My So-called Complicated Life

My 4pm Bus

               On my way back to my humble boarding house, my purse seemed to be getting much of my attention. It didn’t occur to me that I’ve boarded on and off to jeepneys in search of Chinabank ATM machines or any bancnet service atm machines. My purse was half empty and thanks to the culprit, they have this habit of going offline every chance they get. More so, our cards aren’t much recognized by other atm machines; it’s like it has its own mandarin language decoding database (whatsoever).

               Coin by coin, I’ve relentlessly challenged my mathematical skills to disprove that I’m 5 peso short in a half-filled bus. My money can only bring me to Boni or Buendia and I’m in a PNR or a point of no return. The amount is no good to take me back home in Fairview , which by the way is 2 hours away from the boarding house.

                For the nth time, I opened my purse and counted all the coins. Looking one peso at a time; just so my eyes won’t betray me and not mistakenly count 1peso for a 10 peso coin. You know how closely the same our coins have had been these past years; I can see Jose Rizal in ten peso coins had I not known the hero behind it ( Who was it again? hehehe).

                 Then to my horror, I was wrong. Normally, people love to be right and for the safest time, I want to be wrong. I knew I was wrong, now I’m 8 peso short- Great! Shaking anxiously over this hopeless-life-altering mockery few hours shy from new year has gotten me nowhere, I’ve thought of numerous ways to pull through with this tormenting & sadistic twist of fate; it’s so mortifying I plan not to write about it, not even an ink in my diary.

                   Luckily, before I decided to commence my solo walkathon from Buendia, the lady whom I’m seated beside had given me 8 pesos and asked if it was enough to get where I’m supposed to go. I’m at a loss for words. Oxygen momentarily left my brain, couldn’t figure how she could have witnessed my recent display of complete humiliation. In a split second, she disappeared, off she goes with the other pax as the bus stops, I yelled before she reached the door and said thank you .She smiled back.

                It didn’t cross my mind borrowing money from strangers, all the more with this dog eats dog world we live in, but good Samaritans still exist. There’s still goodness of heart left among people from different walks of life and I must say, some even came from rides and buses.

Thank you and God bless you. Whoever you are, you’ll be in my prayers from now on.

                       

If there's solitude in silence, and euphoria in restlessness, let me buy it for here I see unscathed yet empty "me".There's no amount of words I could best describe myself; but if there is let me know...

for starters, I have to drag myself to work every shift just so I could exist and follow Maslow's basic heirarchy of needs; how is that for such a meaningful life? Next before I go to sleep, I have to keep myself awake few more hours coz by the time I wake up, I 'll be dragging myself to work again. And during the last day of shift, I'll be so busy keeping myself too preoccupied ,by the end of the day, I 'll be so tired I'll end up worrying over my 1st day of the week shift the next day. This goes on and on for the rest of God knows when. Had I not watched "transfromer," I may be ranting more about my misadventures so here I am, I wouldn't be surprise having same old lines scribbled all over this post but I'm off to work and I'll be dragging my sanity and built-in numbness to compensate whatever God had imposed. I'm close to cutting it off short...

...And then Some

How come I always write my blog if I'm frustrated.My depression is killing me nd I wanna go back to GY but I enjoy my sup's company ...I mean my team(hehehe). The worst fear I have anticipated long ago had finally came.I'm bored to death, so callous I don't feel anything at all and as far as I could remember, I only gave myself 6 months and off I go somewhere only I know. It seems that everything is going as I have planned it to be or so I thought...

     Have you ever been in a situation when you back off to the very thing you want the most and you can cut your head open but you'll never find the answers there. I have it all in-place; got date, place to stay and just a go signal and I'm out 'a here ( CEBU ) but I decided not to. I rarely let an opportunity slips away but that's exactly waht I did. Crazy!Oh, let me rephrase that--Crazy and stupid to the millionth power.

I  tried to convince myself that life will be better there but so frustrated with what I'll be leaving off...i doubted if I'll ever get that chance again. I had it there right in front of me, for years I've been praying for it, planning for it but there's something amiss. Eeerr! Call it Crazy! and Stupid!Well, at least I did just that in one stride. 

It seems that everytime I whine to God, he always finds a way to let me check my emails. This passge caught me up...

Applause dies away!

Trophies gather dust!

Winners are soon forgotten!

The most important thing in this life is to help others to win even if that means slowing down and changing our own race. I soon realize that the people who mean so much to us are not rated the best nor have loads of wealth but you'll whole heartedly slow down your race for them. 

It taught me how to surrender(again), the very thing I keep on unlearning. I'm living with my sister and I sort' a hate her. really, I wouldn't think twice of having a boxing match with her. She used to throw water at me to wake up for "Simbang Gabi," I thought I was drowning. So I throw another pail back. Well, it saved us both time to rinse off for our baths.I was frustrated not knowing why I let go of something I deemed important, my plans that is. However, despite it all, I realized that I'm starting to change my race for her. And I'm not even mad, guess I become more patient and loving (Uyyy!); and I would gladly change my plans to Plan z if that's all it takes to keep her. For all its worth, she's the only sister I got and the only person who can ask me to back off to anything, even my dreams.

  Someday, God may get tired of my prayers(hehehe)and take us where we should be but for now, my plan B won't do me any good...so I'll stay and who knows, (again) God may get tired of my prayers and will grant our hearts' desires...

And then some : )   

Short Notices

    As i scan every page of my blog, I realized how I put premium on small things in life. Isn't a wonder why most of us cling to what we have and not see the bigger picture that comes forth in the horizon; sacrifices sure can teach us tolerance but it's easier said than done. I feel that every choice I made for the past few months gave me lore in a way I do not expect to have. Sometimes i wonder why I should go through such setbacks when ahhh...money-wise, er...well,the thing is...it went a little complicated than I thought it would be.

    a friend of mine told me to apply during the first week of january coz it EXPER...'s hiring week, later did she realize that it doesn't apply to me knowing that I came there. So on we go to our next option to be at EARTH... sales which had been my target and been requesting hr all my interview days but to my dismay.

Client specs' is somewhat an agony for me--I like reading though but I'm not fond of studying- makes me wonder how I reach graduation(hehehe). Guess, I just got lucky with all my school exams that I never flunk one--either I get good grades or passing score, the latter seemed casual for me not until I retook an exam( Mind you--it' s really really a long story). My "passing score" trademark had failed me big time and it jeopardized my job. do you know how it feels to be hangin' on a cliff with just one hand tryin' to pull up? And this is something I could've controlled over or at least put a fight for but none of these knock my "floating mind."

    Some things are bound to fail but i don't believe in destiny; even Catholic Church  does not. See how contradicting things can be.Had I not failed, I'll never appreciate passing exams that way again.I used to smile a lot but I rarely do that now.They say happiness is a state of mind like classical conditioning theory, you condition your mind being happy and you'll soon be, then again its just a theory...

    Here, get a load of my theory...
My mantra is "life is too short to complicate on short notices." I came back to have fun, not to complicate my life and sad to say that short notices s exactly what's happening right now. I never cling to what I have nor do I beg for it but I know how to appreciate life's little grandeur...

...somehow

Best Things...

To a sour note, some experiences are ought to hurt so long that we could learn things one could not learn in any way possible. For the first time, my fate lands in a job I loved so much...so much I could shower bouquet of orchids. But then again, as jarring as it sounds, not all that you keep will make you happy. Sometimes, it's bound to fail. “Choose a job that you love and you'll never work a day in your life” by my favorite philosopher-Confucius, had not given me much justification; I always try to stay grounded and focused for I can accomplish a great deal if I just set my mind to it. But in the back of my head, I sensed a blurry cloud lingering inside me;things had taken a back seat. For the most part, I guess I'm better off keeping the situation light and uplifting. I'm sure things will fall into place as I need them to.

An old friend once told me: it takes courage to have this (PS ) job and it takes more courage to keep and leave it but I say, it takes most of your courage to get the job back-the job you have had, kept and left. I never thought I'll complete this prose someday...not that early.

I left the job I have learned to love because staying will slowly drift my dreams away. But if my dreams could thwart my ideals, then take away my dreams...come hell or high water.

It would have been simpler if I have admitted things had gone too far a patient woman could endure. Although I could still put up a good fight for my beliefs, still, beneath those wretched dreams lie an experience worthy of thanks...

To Julian Say III-My program director who taught me a lot about sales and radio production (Radio Advertising).For me, he deserves to be the station manager : ) God Blessto you , Vanessa and your 3-month old son, Jothan.

Cynthia Boccaoco- For all the wisdom. She may be 22 but I had learned a lot about life and God . She can utter bible verses instantly,sometimes I think she's just bluffing but when I checked it, boy!she sure does her assignment : )

Mary angel Bigornia-My mentor who taught me newscasting and gave me the chance to do so. God bless your kind heart. I'll truly miss you and who knows someday, I'll be like you.

THE TECHS: Sonny,Mark. Lito and Arnel-thay make sure they could play all my requests( pinangga kaayo ko!hahaha) and for being so patient when I demand to place my clients' ads on a specific time slot. YOU ROCK GUYS!

Paolo Aguilar : ( DJ 1) for being my shock absorber though I hardly see him now since he had a part time job at E-tele___.Hope we could see one another again with Cynthia and Angel.

Fedwillyn Villarba: ( DJ 2)Famous for her low-toned voice. She's a real asset to us-couldn't blame her for going AWOL( Management is really a pain in the ass). In life, you need to face your fears even if it kills coz in the end, it makes you a better person. Just don't go AWOL next time okidoki.

Allyson Monsanto : The prettiest dj, Charlie's very own. She's always been a sister to me. Thank God she had listened to my advice to try it at PS. Unlike Paolo!...hehehe: )

Joel Dela Cruz : Our company driver...never late,always on time. He makes sure I get to my destination safe and sound,almost like a bro to me.

To all of you...thanks, I realized that some of the best experiences i have had are the spontaneous ones-I'll never forget all of you guys!

The month that Was

 

January has been an awkward month for me; funny I should say that, it has been my birth month for 23 years and it never failed to bring me surprises.It has been an annual premonition of mine that something bad will happen after my birthday.

Anyhow, this friend of mine who kept on remindin' me of my birthday, not that it matters to me but somehow she showed me how important I could be to anyone, had tied the knot.

  Boy! We’re not getting any younger. As far as I can reminisce, we were 1st year college back then and still I couldn't figure how she got to know my birthday. Anyway, 'twas our literature class when she spearheaded a small program 4 my b-day and managed to interrupt our class for some delusional presentation of theirs. I just couldn't believe my ears hearing their "mushy' messages. I'm about to run my way to the comfort room when my teacher called me to stay in front. Well, to make the story short, I got enough stamina to withstand the humiliation that day; then she becomes my bestfriend and the rest is history...in the making.

We fought a lot, screamin' at the top of our lungs but once in a while we learn to eat our pride. The most anticipated day of her life finally came and she was pissed of coz I wasn't around. They say it’s a mortal sin to miss your best friend's wedding...I just don't know how to react on that adage--didn’t even know I had committed such sin; nevertheless, being the most insensitive person in our "pack" should have put me off the hook…don’t you think?

I guess I played my part well in the group, somebody should ought to keep the balance if you know what i mean. My friends likely heed my advice coz I'm the  most logical...according to them.(" Yeah you're right, why didn't I thnk of that!..." Well, it's because you let your  emotions cloud your thoughts-duh!) Unfortunately, not a single of my advice was being followed. Logic and reason don't meet in one angle no matter how we try. I Hope that gives off enough reason for you to talk to me.

There are things that I kept and left unsaid at my friends' expense. I never wanted her to get married, not this year at least...but who am I to give her unsolicited advice? Who am I to send off compromises? Who am I to impose my notion of marriage to you?... (Who am I to you erms? Am I just one of your puppets who should tender presence on occasions so u could call it your own?) 

Now my best friend is mad at me not because of what I did but because of what I didn't do. I'm sorry...no buts. There is just a thin hairline between me and my pride and it is swallowing me whole--guess it’s my turn to talk, just don't know how to reach you. 

By the way, how my birthday matters to you means so much how you matter to me...just in case you/re wondering.  God bless to you and your husband!You'll have my prayers, though,it may not measure up what you have had done for me but deep down you know that if I wrote it...I meant it. Guess, nothing bad happened on my birthmonth afterall...Peace out!

 

Bad Hair Day

Days from now and I'll be able to meet my college batchmates. And as the New Year is about to take place, I decided to go to the salon and change my hairdo. (at least a shoulder length will do) Guess I'm really excited to see my "stubborn" and crazy college batchmates that surprising them seems to be getting off just as I planned...

Not until I saw the hairstylist cut the side part of my hair, " Is it me or I can clearly see my shoulder!" I was at a loss for words and I haven't spoken a thing until Pamela B, my boardmate came to my rescue and enjoy my rantings on our way home.When I saw myself again in the mirror, I couldn't feel anything--it's like I'm put in some trance or my brain just shut off for a couple of minutes to block myself off to reality. PAmela tried to iron my hair so we could fix some hairstyle to save my face next week for our X-mas Gathering but its HOPELESS.We're both laughing--at least in her part though; she's laughing coz I'm laughing at the same time crying and those are genuine tears, MAN! If I'm an actress, Insane roles would definitely befit me-shifting emotions isn't easy if you know what I mean and I did that just because some witch-loser--artist wannabe cut off my crowning glory. (huhuhuh: (

I'm starting to imagine that I'm in "That 70's show " in skycable with out-of -this-world -got-it -anyway hairdo. Oh GoD! I do not wish to join the dsibanded f4 hair craze too! Nor do I want to be their 5th member only with bigger eyes this time.(Note: the author is in an emotional upheaval and is beginning to sob...let's pause for a moment of silence)

I saw myself staring completely blank at the wall...this is the worst "BAd Hair Day " of my life or make that "Bad hair Year " of my life.  I'm a basket case and I'm beginning to curl twist my hair just like Sisa, joke!hahahaha!Hehehe!Huhuhu! I hate my hair!Call me shallow but send me all the tragedies in life, place me in Pakistan if you want--those pain I can endure...everything and I mean EVERYTHING but my hair! I remeber there's this one character in the bible that his strength lies in his locks; my memory by the way is gluesticked in every strand of my hair! (Just kidding, see how I'm losing my logic now...hahaha...Crispin...Basilio!)

Today was a total disaster, my hair dried up and it closely resembled mop strings-"short" mop strings bought out of shoestring budget. But hey! at least I have a new look, I no longer see f4...coz Bob Marley took its place! I'm no man who could opt themselves to be bald at times when the Barber's scissors failed them. I hate my hair! So to alleviate the pain inside, most likely I play guitar to soothe my soul. boy! God is probably laughing his head off by now. More so, he just want to mock me more coz the first song I saw in the "songhits" is "Anong paki mo sa long hair ko." I'm so "DEPRAISE" "PAETA UY!" the situation triggered my asthma so I took my medicine...can "overdosage of drugs kill? joke! I hate my hair!huhuhu: (  I just slept the whole afternoon and by the time I reach the mirror, I saw another figure. My hair seems to have a life of its own and can transform into another monster in no time. I'm now a rock star! Had I waited for my friend's recommeneded hairstylist, I wouldn't slowly become Maggie of "The Simpsons" cartoon. to make matters worse, my other cousin who was taken aback to see my new look didn't mention anything, instead he smiled with glowing eyes...and everytime we bumped into each other, he  grin-- reaching his ears ...what does that supposed to mean?!!! Guys, help me out.

thus,I'll be spending the entire two months with unbearable HAIR! I hate my hair! Gee, hw many times did I mention that?hhahaha.huhuhu : (

To all my batchmates, spare me the opening line: what happened to your hair? coz it just happened, k. And to the rest...keep yourselves off to any scissors unless you're sure that you're in safe hands. Man! I still hate my hair!

   

Thoughts of Christmas

See how time flies, my nephews and nieces barely talk and now, they keep on remindin' me of "Christmas...presents...carolings-in all sense of the word. But it sounded more like money...money...money as far as my translation is concern. Few days from now, I won't be that surprise to hear them say "aguinaldo" at my face every chance they get.

Before, I used to enjoy getting gifts; more so, wrap my presents, write christmas cards, and sing lousy yuletide cheers for our neighbors. The worst deception I could think of is about Santa Claus. I placed socks along with my request under a mistletoe and boy, this is no ordinary wish. I've been wishing for a house and lot, mercedes benz and gazillions of puto bongbong ( I even wonder how will he be able to put the house and car iside my socks, so I borrowed a bigger socks from my dad and well...you know the rest of the story-I didn't get the house, car and 1 million cash. Oh, did I mention cash? Was it in dollars? hehehe. So if Sta. Claus takes things literally, he might give me everything I have asked...miniature house and mercedez benz and play money-in dollars at least, that's for sure

Geeeezeee!I can't believe I fall for that crap.My parents didn't even bother to tell me the truth. No wonder I got chocolate cups and pretzels instead of...those...never mind.

Hey, look at the bright side of life, I never thought I can believe in something so pure that imagination itself is never an imagination at all.However, as I grow older, I see things as it should appear,life is full of lies that even Christmas celebration had lost its value. It's Dec. 10 andcounting but still can't even feel the spirit of Christmas. Guess its true then ha, Christmas is just for kids.

At times, I try to seek the "kid' who used to be me, who believed at something without pretense and love that dream. But along with my belief, it died all the same.

Nevertheless, evreytime I see my nephews and nieces enjoy the Christmas season, it reminds me of the kid who used to be me and who believe at something without pretense. Maybe I can't revive the real kid in me anymore but these kids can and I'm thankful for that little hope they gave me. : )

=But to all my friends who aren't kids anymore, I'll be changing my number every so often and 'm thinking of living elsewhere  or might as well vanish for a couple of weeks at least until after Christmas.    MERRY CHRISTMAS TO Y'ALL

"In Between"

Four days ago, we went to Chonghua to visit my best friend who recently had been deprived of maximizing the use of comfort rooms at their office which resulted to UTI so to speak.Its pretty amazing how one can be very happy in any hospital confinement regardless of whatever the outcome may be. Tiax and I went a "shift nursing stint" as I call it, to take care of our "hard-headed-and-still-is" friend of ours.

Because of the situation, We saw another long lost best friend who went an extra mile to see Mare.Really.She did walk an extra 2 miles coz of public utility shortage during the SEA Games Opening, which by the way is so "low-budget" and quite becoming a trademark of our stinkin' economy; Costumes are there all along, and even the official SEA GAmes flag or is that a poster draped at the cenetrfold with matching Cebu's top officials lining the front stage...reminds me of the stereotyped politics we unfortunately have in this wretched motherland. Credit to my Journalism teacher, SPORTS in Print journalism has the most money coz bribery is most welcomed with open-full-stretched-arms in SPORTS writing by some, not all though.I wonder how that goes in an intenational sports competition like SEA GAmes.

Anyway, going back to where we left things off, this friend of mine who walked a few miles didn't seem to shed off unwanted calories, instead, she's gaining more (Thank God it'll take a while for us to reunite again; maybe another hospitalization...after her breaking every little bones in my body when she reads this.heheh).Despite her healthy lifestyle, she seemed not to forget how to make us laugh with all her jokes,well, of course, I, as the bait and the laughingstock of the mob(Hey, guess I'll be putting more reasons why one should write their blogs-to have their sweet revenge.lol).We just laughed our hearts out, reminiscing the good ol' college days, and plannning how     to gatecrash this year's MCO Christmas bash and hoard all the food we can get from the students.Yeah, such a remarkable and meaningful plans to celebrate new year ha?...

So, what's the lesson behind this blog...dunno, still have my hangover from last night's party but I'll try my best though.Ahhhhm, Honesty is the best policy...especially about weights of your friends.joke.Or SEA games booked a lot of Hotel rooms and flights which made Lucio Tan and other elites richer than ever, or maybe let other STCians plan a get-together and invite ourselves in without prior notice.That sure is meaningful, we used to do that a lot of times before. Now I know why Mare B. is born...to enlighten and inspire us how to become great party gatecrashers.heheehe!

Seriously, I realized how memories can make all of us stranded wherever we are. Some can't figure a way out to just look back and find bliss from all the things they've been through. Very often we are our own worst enemy that evry time we reach our memory lane, still its our decision how we make use of it. Its a matter of choosing to be happy in spite of our gloomy pasts or be miserable along with it.

Thank God, with my college mates, I could only remember how great times overshadowed the bad times. However, when you meet more people, you can't expect them to be like your close friends to understand you 24/7. There are pple I have hurt that even today, dunno if their paying some witch doctors to point pins in my mini-twin-doll, if you know what I mean( request: its wearing caps, has straight hair and a very good derma.charr!). To both of you, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I believe that between wounds and scars, there is healing.         

 

Colon revisited

A week ago, passing along the crowded tract of Colon, there was a polio-smitten lad carrying an old-fashioned ragged and patch-filled lady's bag. He strolled the sidewalks with  an awkward -slow-paced steps. the sheer sight of it makes me wonder if he'll ever reach his destination . Apalled and doleful for he had no companio; nobody even bothered to lend a hand in his crisscrossing.

Minutes later, I boarded from the jeepney to visit Basilica Del Sto. Niño. As I about to enter the gate came a pourin'  rain. Perturbed by the downpour, many had thrown their agitaion over the strog rain. I prayed , asked favors to God,lit candles and managed to knock softly over the glass-enclosed religious artifacts.Then I hailed over to line up for the famous Sto. Niño, known for its miracles and mysteries.

Feeling agog, there seems a familiar figure of some sort; something I recently acknowledged but is too fleeting to recall. when I have reached the inside, I was so amazed that the physically-challenged lad perching at the corner and the lad strolling along colon are one and the same, praying in his most self-effacing way he could. He took off his rosary  from his bag and start uttering the HAil Mary's from time to time.

I felt like crying because I've never seen such humility that even in his state, he   passionately carry through just to reach where his heart wished to go. And I, at my sturdy and prime age still has the guts to complain over small and trifling things. Why is it so easy to whine about almost everything when all God wants us to do is to humble ourselves to him, accept our flaws and pray. Why are we so pride-stricken that we couldn't even appreciate how our story was being written.

Too often, we get so overwhelmed by trivial things that we somehow forget why we're here; we whine over shallow-fancy wishes if not granted; how oftetn do we fail to see that life is more than the branded garbs we wear in parties.  If you happen to be in his shoes,  would you see God in a different light? If God can gain our humility by giving off diseases, why isn't he giving these to all? If I were God, I'd probably send all these misfortunes and diseases to politicians who stash money,betray his country and bite the hand that feeds them; I'll give it to the criminals who crave for earthly wealth so they may suffer and hhumble themselves to me. But then again I'm not God and he judges us with his heart and not with his eyes. He offers thousands of chances for us to see him as a loving God .and we need not climb Mt. Sinai to find him, just accept him as your saviour, live by his words and he'll give you the desires of your heart. Maybe, this lad, although hopeless in his built, had wished for a safer and joyous refuge-to be saved in his way home to our loving saviour.

So do we need to be smitten by diseases to humble ourselves to God? I pray not. : )